I am just a collection of everything I've ever watched.

‘Suddenly I See’ by KT Tunstall starts playing, and I feel a grin forming on my face. One cat purrs in my lap, the other sits beside me. The blanket envelops me as I watch the TV light up with The Devil Wears Prada in my dimly-lit living room. Every shot of this movie is ingrained in my mind – the women putting on their high-fashion clothing and Anne Hathaway’s character rummaging through her drawers to find an old pair of granny underwear. The women meticulously applying lipstick and mascara, while Hathaway’s character puts on lip balm.

That opening scene rewired my seven-year-old brain. 

I remember the feeling I would get watching that Devil Wears Prada scene, as the women put their pretty clothes and pretty makeup on. I wanted to be them. My love for clothes and fashion started around then. I would put on these ‘fashion shows’ for my family. I distinctly remember rummaging through my mum’s closet, looking for something spectacular. She had these dark-blue, almost grey, heels that I was obsessed with – I put them on every chance I got. I found them hidden at the back of her walk-in closet and picked out a top that was practically a dress on me. The next item I picked was a handbag, because who was I to go anywhere without a bag? With my outfit put together, I stumbled into the living room where my mum sat, using the hallway as my catwalk.

Another notable obsession of mine is Twilight. I must’ve been seven or eight the first time I watched it. Granted, probably way too young to have watched it. Just hearing ‘Eyes on Fire’ by Blue Foundation transports me to the blue-tinted town of Forks, Washington. I think Twilight is one of the first things I’ve loved so intensely. I have had countless rewatches and have read all the books. I even had a Twilight-themed party for my eighteenth birthday (in a cool way, I swear). There were ‘blood’ dripping cocktails, a cake with Edward and Bella’s faces on it and Twilight bingo. It’s a classic, and no one can tell me otherwise. I used to feel so stupid for loving fun and silly stories like Twilight. Girls constantly get shit for liking things – whether they’re ‘unserious’ or not. So now, when I say to someone that Twilight is one of my favourite movies, I say it with my chest.

The franchise isn’t without its faults; I acknowledge how problematic it is. From the harmful depiction of Native American culture to the romanticising of the Confederate army. It has a lot of issues. In no way am I ever going to defend it in those regards. I think it’s important to be able to love something while still holding it accountable. We don’t have to pretend our favourite stories are perfect in order to connect with them. I will, however, defend it when someone takes a dig at Kristen Stewart’s acting.

Loving Twilight has taught me that it’s okay to love things loudly, even if the world thinks it’s stupid.

I often think about how every piece of media I’ve ever consumed is intertwined with me. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not, I find myself emulating characters I’ve seen on TV or in movies. The jokes I make, the clothes I wear, how I express myself – all have been influenced by the media I love. Though I’m older now, I find myself practically doing the same things I did as a kid, like putting on fashion shows. Only now, it’s my own clothes I’m rummaging through. I take the hours before going out as a whole event on its own. Looking through my own copious collection of clothing, I search for the perfect outfit. Who do I want to be?

Mouthing the lyrics to ‘Maneater’ by Nelly Furtado, I draw on a cat eye in the mirror. I then line my lips and put on my favourite lipstick shade, 777 Vampire Love (yes, I bought it because it reminded me of Twilight). By the time I leave, my bedroom floor is no longer a floor, but rather a new closet. My vanity is covered with every single makeup and hair product I own. I tell myself I’ll clean up in the morning, only to later complain about the mess I’ve made.

My favourite show ever is Gilmore Girls. It is something I will forever love. Every year, without fail, I rewatch the show in Autumn. It’s something that has always been there for me. No matter what I’m going through or how my life changes, I know it’ll always be waiting for me. I first watched it during 2020, the first year of COVID. Then, I rewatched it over and over again that same year. Now, with more self-restraint and less free time, I stick to just one viewing per year. During those months, it’s my biggest comfort. Throughout a long day at work or uni, I know that once I’m home, I can turn it on and not have to think about anything for a while.

Who or where would I be if it weren’t for my favourite media? Maybe I’m just a collection of everything I’ve ever watched. I think about this a lot, unsure if I would have any personality if it weren’t for the characters I spend hours watching on my screen. From Little Women’s Jo March to Lorelai from Gilmore Girls to Before Sunset’s Celine. Who would I be without them? As I’m writing this, I realise what all these three characters have in common (other than their quick-witted nature), they are all strong female leads. Ever since I was a young girl, I’ve been drawn to stories that featured outspoken female characters. I longed to see girls who were loud and unapologetically themselves. I looked up to these characters. Not only because they were brave but because they were young girls, just like me. So, maybe it’s not so bad that I’ve grown to mirror the characters I love.

Representation in media is so vital, especially during formative years. It shapes how we see ourselves and what we believe is possible. I’m a prime example of this. I feel incredibly lucky to have grown up with characters who I saw a part of myself in. Like Arrietty, Mulan, and Coraline. With that being said, it’s important to also acknowledge the lack of representation practically of the 90s and 2000s. I could write an entire essay on this topic, it’s what it needs to truly do it justice, but I’ll limit myself here to just a few key points.

Not seeing people who look like you at an early age, can – though it may not explicit – have an effect. In regard to 2000s rom-coms, I wouldn’t be true to myself if I failed to mention how they played a significant role in shaping my body image. Of course, If you’re mostly seeing thin white women on your screen at the age of 10, then that’s what you’ll believe is the standard, at least subconsciously. It’s confusing for a young girl to only be seeing certain body types being praised in these movies. While not being aware that genetics, obscene diets, and exercising regimes are all factors into looking like that.

These films and shows have comforted me in ways life couldn’t. They’ve shaped the way I see myself and the world around me. When I sit there and press play, I’m not just watching a show or a movie – I’m reconnecting with the version of myself I was when I first watched it. Though that may seem silly to some, that connection is as real and as important as anything else in my life.